Represi di Hati

Sebenarnya aku ingin dekat
Tapi jarak membentang dua kali saat aku melangkah

Sebenarnya aku ingin memeluk
Tapi tangan menjadi batu yang menggantung membisu

Sebenarnya aku ingin berbagi kisah
Tapi bibir ini perlahan menghilang tertelan malamnya jiwa

Sebenarnya aku mencintaimu

Sebenarnya kau juga menyayangiku
Tapi kita selalu berdiri di dua kutub yang berbeda
Tak bisa saling memahami
Tapi menuntut saling mengerti

Aku hanya ingin mencari di mana titik mulanya
Menguntai benangnya
Sehingga kita bisa saling mulai mengayam cinta

Dedicated to a couple who bravely shared a half of each soul to bring my soul into the world. So many things we’ve been through, but it seemed never enough for us.

PS : I intended to write this poem in English, but somehow I missed the essence. So I write it in Indonesian. Are there any of you who will willingly translate this poem?

Welcome Ramadhan

I wrote this in the midnight, counting the seconds to welcome Ramadhan month, the holiest and the most precious month for the Moslems. I just couldn’t shut my eyes; quite fresh for writing a new post for my blog.

I just saw several soaps on tv; most of them bring Ramadhan as their main topic, main idea, main conflict of the fight between good and evil. Good and evil fight is such a common theme, if I can’t say it cliché. But, Ramadhan seems to be commercialized. I don’t know is it only me or it is real that Ramadhan is used as a reason for people to ask forgiveness, to dress politely, to show less skin, to be more patient, to do Moslem prayer as whole as it is written in the Koran, to do less crime and bad things, to be more honest to others, and many things. But then, what’s the point if these habits only last 30 days during the Ramadhan. After they leave this month, they just go back into their habits. Ramadhan ends, all the good things that bring merit end. It is cyclical, just a never ending circular movement.

Just seeing a news flash on tv. A group of police officers and pamong praja squad raided an area famous for prostitution. All the commercially sex workers, all of them female, are seized and sent into some kind of rehabilitation institution. The neighborhood is cleaned up from immoral activities. Bottles of alcohol were burnt. The area is closed. Problem is solved. End of story. Then why next year, in the next Ramadhan, they still have to do the same raid to the prostitution area?

I am no saint, as well. My sin isn’t lesser than yours. It is not a judgment for anybody. I am talking to myself, why should I have two steps backward after having a step forward?

Anyway, welcome Ramadhan… It's such a bless of having one more Ramadhan in our life.

Exes Only Deal with Past, Don't They?

I met my old friend from junior high – her name is Fancy – and for hours we shared about the old days we had together. She came with her boyfriend, Patrick, and when I asked whether he sometimes felt jealous about guys from Fancy’s past.

He replied (or sort of like this ‘cause I don’t remember the exact words) :
“She grew up without my permission, why should I be anxious of that?”

I felt a sudden lightning struck my head (hopefully it didn’t left any scar on my forehead :p)… Anyway, Patrick’s answer seems to be an answer for me. I never let go the fact that my boyfriend went on many relationships before ours. I am always jealous when his exes called to say hi or asked him out. In my head, it is programmed that they come to ruin every brick I lay to make this relationship successful, strong, and tough. I always feel that their presence is determined to take my man away. What a shallow point of view, right?

Patrick is right, I guess. I met when he was 19. He was dating since he was 14. In five years, he could meet any kind of girls, involved in any kind of situation, and experienced various kinds of feelings. He couldn’t be blamed of having that.

Then I look into my friend in college, Ayu. The complicated process between her and her present boyfriend (Mr.G) whose ex is Ayu’s best friend since high school (Ms. M), is really an eye-opening experience. I don’t know what Ayu did to cope with the feeling that she meets his boyfriend’s ex all the time. I don’t know what Ayu did to get rid the thought of what happened between Mr. G and Ms. M in their previous relationship – Those kisses, hugs, touches, romantic moments, or any physical intimate contact. I can easily lose my mind if I’m walking in her shoes. But three of them can get along as if there was nothing beyond the relationship. So, why can’t I?

I need a lot of work to make this works, of course. It’s not easy to change the mind set, definitely difficult to totally adjust the system. At least, my boyfriend always tells if there’s any contact with his exes. He always says that Ms. D called, Ms. F sent sms, bla bla bla,… At least, he wants me to know anything about him. He let me to come inside and share his world. Could it be too good to be true?